Insertion

Part 20: Weirder and Weirder...

by Sean D'Anna

=====

Mousse sat at a small bar with a drink in his hands. He was
brooding silently over the new development in his life, and was quite
possibly the drunkest he'd ever been. He was inside a small casino
somewhere in Tokyo. The place reminded him of his old sensei's place,
and he was trying to relax a bit.

"Well, maybe..." he muttered as he looked up at the ceiling for a
moment.

"Got problems?" asked the bartender as she walked up to him while
cleaning a glass. She was a pretty woman in her mid twenties with
short blonde hair.

"Man, do I," grumbled the boy as he looked up at her. She backed
away, narrowly missing being poked by his four-foot long bangs.

"So? Woman trouble?" she commented with a slight smirk.

"Sorta," grumbled the boy pathetically. "Ya see, I was cast out of
this crazy Chinese man hater tribe, for learning secret techniques
forbidden to 'em. Now I can't marry the girl I've loved my whole life,
and I don't have enough money to get back to my job in Vegas. I'm
stuck in Japan, with no place to go, spending the last of my hard-
earned money on booze. Man, this sucks. I-I-I just don't know what ta
do! It's like, the King is eternally trapped in the Heartbreak Hotel
baby."

The bartender blinked as she looked at him for a moment. His
accent was almost flawless. "Hey, you're pretty good."

"Thanks babe, but that don't help me none. Gimme another drink
would ya honey? The King needs a little help gettin to sleep tonight."

"And I thought that other guy had weird problems," muttered the
bartender as she walked away.

Mousse blinked at the comment and looked down the bar. "Whoa
momma!" Sitting a few stools down, with empty stools on either side of
him was the weirdest looking guy he'd ever seen. He had a gigantic
green head with no hair, and a long black trench coat. He had a somber
looking frown on his face and tears were streaming down his cheeks.
Resting across his shoulder was a ridiculously huge gun of some kind.
It looked somewhat futuristic, with a long square barrel with some
sort of lens in it.

Curious, he stood up and sat down next to the man. "Um, what the
heck is that thing?"

The green headed man turned to look at him. "Huh? Oh, just my
pneumatic vaporizer. Nothing special." He turned back to the drink
that was resting in his palm and sighed.

"Why the long face?" said Mousse as he looked down at his own
drink.

The man turned to look at him, his face was now about four feet
long. "Is it really that bad?"

"Um...yeah," muttered Mousse as he attempted to adjust his
glasses.

"Nothing much really, I'm being hunted by men in black suits. My
parents think I'm gay, I'm in love with a girl who doesn't know I
exist, and I've run out of old bullies to kill. What about you?"

"Um...nothing much. Just cast out of my tribe, everything else is
related to that. I can't even afford a peanut butter and nanner
sandwich after I leave this place."

The man looked at him and burst into tears. "Our lives are so
pathetic! I think I'm going to turn to a life of crime!"

"Come on now. It can't be that bad," said Mousse as he tried to
comfort the man. "You could be dead on a toilet somewhere! Or married
to your own cousin, that happened to my brother. Or even worse! I
could lose my hair!"

The man looked up at Mousse for a moment. "Huh?"

"Oh, sorry," muttered the Chinese boy as he realized that the man
had no hair.

"Can...I borrow some of your hair?" said the man pathetically.

"Hey! Don't be gettin all personal buddy!" snapped Mousse.

"Oh. Okay, but still. I've run out of enemies to slay and torture.
I've laid waste to all those who opposed me, technically speaking, I
should be ruling the world right now."

"Come on. It's not so bad, some people could never say that," said
Mousse with a small frown on his face.

"Yeah, but still..." said the man as he hung his head a little
lower.

"Look man, I'm sure your momma would be proud," said Mousse as he
pat the man on his back.

"Actually, she hates violence," pointed out the man.

"Err...right."

"I suppose I could become a superhero or something. I mean, it's
not like I've got anything better to do...it's just that...there's not
that much crime in Tokyo!" The man burst into tears again. "Why
couldn't I live in America or something? No! I had to be born into a
place with one of the lowest crime rates in the world! Waaaaahhhh!"

Mousse seemed to perk up a bit. "Hey! You could fight the Yakuza!"

The man looked up at him with huge shiny eyes. "R-really?"

"Or better yet, those demon things that keep attacking people. You
could even do both!"

"Y-you're right! I shall become a champion of justice! A beacon of
light! A hero beyond all heroes! I Okii Atama, shall make my mark upon
this world at last!" A horse appeared from nowhere, and the green
headed man leapt onto its back and rode through the doors and into the
street.

"Whoa Momma! That guy is good!" said Mousse in awe.

The bartender frowned and walked up next to Mousse again. "I
thought I told that idiot about bringing his animals into my place."
She turned to face him and smirked. "You want a job? I've never seen
an Asian guy as good as you are."

"Huh? Whatcha mean?" said Mousse as he turned to look at her for a
moment.

The woman jerked her thumb up at a small stage on one side of the
room. "I need something to fill in a spot on the weekend. My old act
quit a few weeks ago."

"Sure," replied Mousse with a small shrug.

"Welcome aboard then," said the woman with a smirk forming on her
face. "My name is King."

"Mousse," replied the boy as he bowed to her a little.

++++++++++++

"Sabotage! Fake Demolition Company Levels Auditorium in Tokyo!"

Ranma smirked as he put the newspaper down and sat back at his
desk. "I told you it would work out."

Akane frowned at him for a moment and sat down opposite him. "You
called me in here for something?"

"Yeah, here," said the boy as he handed her a small envelope.

"What's this?" said the girl as she looked at it for a moment
without opening it.

"Your paycheck. We aren't doing this for free ya know," said the
boy as he turned to look out the window for a moment. They were fairly
high up, and it was a good view of the city.

"Paycheck?" mumbled the girl in confusion for a moment. She opened
it and pulled out the check. After a moment of staring she looked up
at Ranma. "Um...is this right?"

"Huh? He stood up and looked at it. "Yeah. Is there a problem?"

"No!" said the girl as she stood up and stared at it again. "What
am I going to do with all of this?"

"Well, it's got to last you two weeks. Don't go spending it all in
once place," said Ranma.

"Two weeks?" she said as she looked at him again in confusion.

"Yeah, that's when you get paid again," said the boy calmly.

"Oh my," muttered Akane as she stuck the check in her shirt.

"Get with Nephrite, he'll set you up with a bank account," said
Ranma as he started shuffling a few of the papers on his desk for a
moment.

"Right. I'm going now," said Akane as she moved towards the door.

"Home already?" said Ranma as he arched his eyebrow a little.

"No, I think I'll pay my sister what I owe her, and then...go buy
a car or something I guess..."

"Right, have fun," said Ranma as he smiled at her cheerfully.

+++++++++++++

"You're right, that was funnier than I'd thought it would be,"
commented Dan as he watched the girl wander off in a daze.

"Told ya," said Carrot.

"What are we gonna do for the rest of the day?" said Ranma
irritably.

"Train most likely, we've got to think of something that can deal
with that youma," said Carrot with a small sigh.

"I did well enough when you idiots were out cold," snorted Dan.

"Well, you didn't kill it either," pointed out Carrot.

"Yeah, but it ain't happy," retorted Dan.

"Still, all we've managed was pissing it off. We're gonna need
something for the next time we meet," said Carrot.

"Can't we just talk to it?" said Pissant with a pathetic whine.
"I'm sure it's reasonable. It was helping those people after all..."

"Like it helped that girl we found?" replied Carrot firmly.

"Well..." muttered Pissant.

"We're going to kill it," said Dan.

"We shouldn't though, that wouldn't be very nice," insisted the
pathetic voice.

"And letting it run around and kill anyone it wants is nice?" said
Carrot.

"Yeah! We can't let that thing just run around wild!" agreed
Ranma. "We need to train, and that's my department."

"Good, we should get started then," said Carrot as he stood up.
"We'll go home and get ourselves a change of clothes, then go find a
nice quiet place to train."

"Right," said Ranma. For the first time that day he sounded
cheerful.

++++++++++++++++

"Hi!" cried Usagi cheerfully as she noticed Tsuki walking up to
the group. They were sitting around a table in the eating area of a
mall.

"Hey guys. What's up?" said the girl as she noticed them and
walked over. She had several shopping bags under her arm.

"What are you doing here?" asked Makoto.

"Shopping of course," replied the girl with a small shrug. "How
about you guys?"

"Were just here. I'm not sure why," said Ami as she looked at her
friends.

"We're wasting time we could be using for more important things,"
said Rei. Despite the comment she looked content with the situation.

"Just hanging out," said Usagi. "It's fun."

"I hope so, we've been doing it all day," said Makoto.

"We're the only ones who understand this Usagi," said Minako as
she turned back from watching a nearby table with several boys around
it.

"Where's Mamoru?" said Tsuki as she glanced around for a moment.
"It's weird not seeing you dragging him around by his balls in a place
like this."

Usagi blinked and blushed. "I umm..."

"Ha! Right on the nose!" said Rei cheerfully.

"Mamo-chan likes spending time with me!" said Usagi defensively.

"You don't understand men at all," said Tsuki with a smirk forming
on her face.

"Oh, like you do?" said Makoto as she rolled her eyes.

"And why wouldn't I?" said the girl with a playful looking smirk.

None of the girls spoke a word. They looked away in embarrassment
and avoided looking at her.

"Attracting men is an art. You have to learn the finer points of
it if you want to be successful."

"Usagi seems to be doing well," commented Ami.

"Right, Usagi couldn't find her ass with both hands and a
flashlight," snorted Rei.

"What's that supposed to mean?" snapped the girl irritably.

"It means you got lucky," said Tsuki as she sat down.

"Finally! A girl after my own heart!" said Minako cheerfully.

"Pick a man, any man," said Tsuki as she glanced around at the
crowd.

"That one," said Makoto as she pointed out a particularly cute boy
hanging around in a far corner.

"Techno geek. Note the 'Microsoft' shirt, somewhat glazed look in
the eyes, and the totally false lack of interest in any of the cute
girls passing by. A subtle approach would be best, followed by coming
on stronger in private. Easy enough really, his kind are usually into
pornography of some kind."

Usagi stared at her for a moment.

"Take that one," continued Tsuki as she pointed at a rough looking
boy nearby. "He's a latent homosexual. No interest in any of the women
around him, he's hiding the fact that he keeps looking at any tight
male butt that passes by him, watch him for a minute. He'll catch a
glimpse and then turn away."

Minako blinked as well, Ami looked completely uninterested, Rei
had a disbelieving scowl on her face, while Makoto shrugged.

"She's right," said Usagi with a sick look on her face as she
watched the boy watch two men pass by him.

"Wow," muttered Minako. "How about him?"

"Hmmm..." said Tsuki as she watched the boy that had been pointed
out. He was hanging around with an attractive girl of about his own
age. He was around eighteen, with long brown hair and a red shirt. His
thumbs were hooked into the belt loops of his blue jeans and he was
laughing cheerfully.

Tsuki smirked as she watched him for a moment. "He's got the hots
for that girl he's with, but doesn't realize she's a lesbian.
Plus...it's small."

The other girls blushed suddenly and turned away.

"You can tell that?" muttered Ami as she looked up from the book
she had been reading.

"Well, he is advertising it to the world," said Tsuki with a small
shrug.

"You mean?" muttered Minako as she turned to look at him again for
a moment.

"Yup, hard as a rock. Can't tell can you?" said Tsuki cheerfully.
She sipped at the drink she had bought earlier.

"Can we change the subject?" muttered Usagi as she turned a little
green.

"I thought you liked talking about boys," said Tsuki calmly.

"We do, but...we're not usually this...well...frank about it,"
said Ami.

"Too strong huh? Got ya," said Tsuki as she nodded her head and
smiled. "I'm not used to this kind of stuff. Sorry."

"Not used to it?" said Makoto in confusion.

"There aren't a lot of people where I'm from," said the girl with
a small shrug.

"Where is that?" said Makoto cheerfully. She remembered what it
was like being in a new place with new people.

"Pluto," replied Tsuki as she continued to drink.

"Um...Pluto?" said Usagi dumbly.

"Yeah. Just me, and Mistress Pluto," replied the girl with a
shrug.

"But, you're not from there...right? I mean, you were born here,"
asked Ami.

"Nope. I was born on Mercury, long time ago," replied the girl
with a small smirk.

"In your past life?" ventured Usagi.

"Nope," said Tsuki cheerfully. "I wasn't reborn. Been in
cryostasis for few thousand years though."

"WHAT?" said the girls.

"Look, it's not that hard. I was born before the fall of the
Silver Millenium. I survived the fall, and got stuck in cryostasis for
a few thousand years, until you guys woke up. Pretty simple really."

"So...you're from the Silver Millenium?" said Makoto in awe.

"Yup. Let me have some of your fries," said the girl as she took
some of Usagi's food while the girl was in shock.

The girls were all staring at her, not speaking or moving.

"What? I was one of the backup senshi. You all had apprentices
back then, I'm just the only one who survived," replied the girl as
she looked at them.

"Backup Senshi?" muttered Makoto as she seemed to snap out of her
stupor.

"Yeah, we weren't as strong, but were connected with the planets
well enough to do in a pinch. Pluto is one of the few planets where a
backup Senshi has the potential to grow into a full senshi. It was
sort of a tradition, the old senshi of Pluto would retire, and the
backup senshi would take over. I think it's only happened like three
or four times."

"Did you ever meet Queen Serenity then?" asked Usagi.

"Only a few times, she used to pinch my cheek and tell me how cute
I was. It was annoying. I never liked her much," replied Tsuki with a
shrug.

"You didn't like Queen Serenity?" said Rei dumbly.

"She was kind of like an annoying aunt, who was more beautiful
than you, and ran the entire family. You didn't want to hate her, but
you did. Get it?"

The girls blinked and nodded. Most of them could relate to that to
some extent.

"Well, I've got to go home now. See ya later," said Tsuki as she
stood up and looked at her watch.

As soon as the girl was gone the inner senshi turned to face one
another.

"The Silver Millenium?" muttered Usagi in shock.

"So...do you think she's..." said Minako.

"I dunno, she could be," said Makoto as she blushed.

"She did get those boys dead on," pointed out Rei.

"She also spotted the lesbian girl," commented Ami without looking
up.

"We aren't even sure if she was right," said Usagi flatly.

"Seems like she was dead on to me," said Minako. "I only wish I
was that good." She frowned, she was the senshi of Venus! How could
someone else be better than her at boy watching? It wasn't right.

"Ami is right...I've heard they can spot their own kind," said
Minako.

"I wonder which of us was like that..." said Rei with a serious
look on her face.

"Hey... You don't suppose that maybe...Tsuki and one of us
were..." muttered Minako as she turned completely red suddenly.

"Could be," said Ami as she slowly lowered her book and stared at
her. "I'd never thought of that."

"She could be secretly pining for one of us!" gasped Makoto.

"I hope it wasn't me," muttered Usagi with a small frown. "I'd
hate to break her heart. Especially after so long..." She looked upset
with the idea.

"None of us is safe then," commented Minako. "I'm sure of it! One
of us was Tsuki's lover in the past!"

"I think you're just letting your imagination run away with you
again," said Rei. "Look, we aren't even sure if she is."

"It is very possible that she's right though," said Ami as she
turned her gaze back down to her book again.

The inner senshi became silent, sitting around the table quietly
for a long time.

++++++++++++++++

"Where are we?" grumbled Ranma as they walked into a vacant lot
near to the dojo. There had been a light rain, and they were currently
female at the moment.

"We can practice here," said Carrot calmly.

"Why not the dojo?" muttered Dan.

"Because we don't want to blow the place up," replied Carrot
calmly.

"What are we gonna do about that thing?" said Ranma seriously. "We
need a plan of attack."

"Plans usually don't survive first contact with the enemy," said
Dan flatly.

"Whatever, we need to find a weakness," said Carrot. "Fire seems
to be his element, so we go with ice, or water. Hell, maybe we should
just cover him with dirt..."

"This is serious," snapped Ranma.

"I was being serious. Who knows? It might work," said Carrot.

"I think we should go home and have a nice cup of tea. That helps
us think," said Pissant cheerfully.

"You know, you're not smart enough to trick us into going home.
Just sit there and shut up if you aren't going to offer anything
useful," said Carrot.

"Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea," said Ranma.
"Training would be pointless if we didn't think of something first.
It's obvious being a little stronger and faster isn't going to help us
much. We've got to find a way to really hurt him."

"That attack we tried could work," pointed out Dan. "It hurt him."

"Yeah, but it hurt us more," said Carrot.

"He's right. We could toughen up our hands, but that might only
give us a few more shots. It didn't hurt him that much," said Ranma as
he looked at their palms for a moment.

"Something cold?" said Carrot to himself. "I haven't got a
clu...wait..."

"What is it?" said Dan.

"I may have something, but we're gonna need that Ghoul's help to
do it," said Carrot.

"What's that?" said Dan.

"The Hiryu Shoten Ha," said Carrot with a grin. "If you recall, it
uses an icy blast, and the heat of an opponent's battle aura. Against
a fire monster, it could be the edge we need."

"So, we go back to the ghoul?"

"We're gonna have to think of something to get her to teach us
without marrying Shampoo..."

++++++++++++++

As if cued by some invisible force, a withered cry echoed across
the lot.

"Akane!"

"What the?" said Ranma as she turned to face the newcomer.

It was a tiny old man. He jumped forward and reached for her
breasts, only to find his intended target vanishing from in front of
him.

"Hey. It's Happosai," said the redhead.

The little old man paused and looked at her. "Pardon me dear. Have
we met before?"

"You're the grandmaster of the Anything Goes School," said Ranma
as she smirked and pointed at him for a moment.

"Oh? You seem to know me, but I..." Happosai narrowed his eyes and
became very cautious.

"I'm Ranma Saotome, son of that idiot Genma," replied the girl.

"Son?" muttered Happosai as he stared at her.

"That's right," said the redhead cheerfully.

Happosai narrowed his eyes for a moment and nodded. "I see. How is
your father these days?"

"As stupid as ever," replied the girl with a small shrug. "We're
staying with Soun. Those two are trying to pass off some engagement
thing onto me."

"Together are they?" muttered the old man with a thoughtful frown.

"Yeah. They claim they killed you, I figured they were to stupid
to get it right," said the girl as she poked her finger into her ear
and scratched it for a moment.

"Haw! You got that right!" cackled Happosai.

"Going to kill them now?" said Ranma as she smiled at the old man
for a moment.

"No. I've got business with them actually," replied the old man
cheerfully. "I'm not here for revenge though, so don't worry."

"Gee, that's too bad," commented Ranma as she turned and started
walking away. "Come on, I'll take you to them."

"Too bad?" muttered Happosai to himself. "Lead on!" he cried as he
leapt forward.

The girl vanished again and appeared beside him. "Keep your hands
to yourself too."

Happosai blinked and turned to look at her in confusion before
following again.

++++++++++++++++++

By the time they reached the dojo, the old man was panting for
breath and almost crawling on the pavement. Ranma was starting to wear
down as well after repeated use of her secret technique to dodge the
pervert.

"You're good. That idiot Genma trained you?" muttered Happosai as
he looked at the gates. He was starting to have doubts about seeing
his students again, especially if they were involved in training
someone who could dodge him repeatedly this well.

"I'm a hundred times better than that fat fool will ever be,"
snorted the redhead.

"Confident too," said the old man carefully.

"Well, they aren't expecting you," said Ranma with a small shrug.
"I'm not going to pass up seeing the looks on their faces when you
show up."

+++++++++++++++

"What about that technique?" said Ranma angrily as they followed
the old man into the dojo.

"Tomorrow," replied Carrot calmly.

"But..." said Ranma.

"Shut up and play along for now. I think I may have found a reason
for Cologne to train us in that technique without her trying to force
us to marry Shampoo," commented Carrot.

"Really? What is it?" asked Ranma.

Dan seemed to catch on. "We're looking at him."

Pissant spoke up suddenly. "Why do I get the feeling you two know
more than you're saying?"

"Now that...is a secret," replied Carrot with a small chuckle.

"I don't like this old man, but you two seem to know him. Ranma's
never met him either. What's going on?" said the whiny voice.

"Shut up or I'll put out head through this wall," said Dan. "Come
on. I don't want to miss this."

They walked into the dojo with Happosai and closed the gate behind
them.

++++++++++++

TBC...

Next Time: The best made plans...