Insertion

Part 4: The Great Pigtailed Goddess

by Sean D'Anna

=====

Akane screamed in frustration as Ranma hopped around her easily.
He had a smug looking grin on his face as he jumped around through the
air, side stepping and skipping past her best strikes.

"Come on! Fight me!" she snarled as she spun into a kick. This
time, he grabbed it out of the air almost casually and snorted. "What
do you think you're doing? You said you'd spar with me you jerk! How
can I work out my frustration if you won't hit back?"

"Well, when you're good enough to hit me, I'll hit you back," he
replied calmly.

Akane stared at him, anger building up inside her for a moment.
"You jerk!"

"What? You can't hit me back, so it isn't very fair to just pound
on you," replied the boy as calmly as ever.

"Are you saying I'm not good enough to spar with you?"

"Have you managed to hit me yet?" retorted the boy calmly.

"I'll kill you!" snarled Akane as she charged him.

"If you could do that, I'd be more than happy to spar with you,"
said Ranma cheerfully.

"That's enough boy!" said Genma as he walked into the dojo. Both
combatants paused and looked at the man for a moment.

Ranma pulled his sleeve up and looked at the watch on his wrist
for a moment. "Hey, you're right! It's time for Dragonball Z!" He
walked out past his father and headed straight for the TV.

"Um, that's not exactly what I meant boy," muttered Genma. He did
not bar his son's path though.

"Mr. Saotome?" said Akane in confusion.

Genma sighed, "I feel I owe it to the boy to allow him a half-hour
a day for such things."

"You mean you just don't want him to punch you through the wall
again," said Nabiki as she passed by the open door.

"Humph! Who do you think taught him how to do that?" snorted Genma
indignantly as he puffed out his chest.

"Whatever," grumbled Akane in irritation as she walked past him.
"I'm takin a bath."

+++++++++++++

Somewhere in the mountains of Japan...(?)

"What do you want?" said the figure high above.

"Where is Ranma Saotome?" said Ryoga as he looked up at the figure
who was gazing down on him.

"What?" said the man high on the top of the wall.

"I said, I'm looking for Ranma Saotome," repeated Ryoga.

"Huh? No thanks, you see, we already got one of those," said the
man on the wall.

"I beg your pardon?" said Ryoga in shock.

"Heh. I told him we already got one!" said the man at the top of
the wall to two other men crouched down beside him, out of sight.

"Look, I dunno what your talking about, I'm looking for a man
named Ranma Saotome..." said Ryoga irritably from far below them.

"Look! A swallow!" said the man who was now speaking in a rather
outrageous French accent. He promptly dropped a coconut down off the
wall. It landed on Ryoga's head and split open.

"That hurt you know!" cried Ryoga prissily as he dabbed the milk
off of his face with a handkerchief.

"I don't want to talk to you no more! You wiper of other peoples
bottoms! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of
elderberries!" cried the Frenchman angrily. "Now go away! Or I shall
taunt you a second time!"

"What's he on about?" grumbled Ryoga irritably as he glared up at
the annoying man.

"Excuse us," said a voice from beside him. Ryoga turned and saw a
group of men dressed up in armor. The one in the lead spoke to him.
"Have you seen a grail around here? You see, we're looking for one..."

"Nope, sorry old chap. You wouldn't happen to know of a man called
Ranma Saotome would you?" replied the lost boy as he put up his
umbrella to deflect the various farm animals that were now raining
down on him from above.

"No, sorry," replied the man sympathetically.

"Excuse me, but...why is it raining farm animals?" said another
one of the knights as he looked up.

"I'm not sure. This chap here is quite insane. Going on about how
he's already got one," said Ryoga with a small shrug.

"Oh? Really?" said the lead knight as he glanced upwards
nervously. Several chickens fluttered down to the ground around him as
he did so.

"Quite," agreed Ryoga.

"He's already got a what?" asked one of the other knights.

"I'm not sure," said Ryoga. "Look, sorry to bother you. I really
must be going now. I think I've somehow wandered into France again."

"Really? Why?" said the lead knight.

"Well, that man up there, sounds French," said Ryoga with another
quick glance.

"But this is England. What's he doing here?" asked one of the
knights.

"I'm not quite sure," said Ryoga honestly. "He's quite rude
though, I don't suppose it's any of my business anyway. I'm Japanese
after all."

"Oh, quite right," agreed the knights cheerfully.

"Well, I'm off then. Good luck with your grail," said Ryoga
stiffly as he wandered away.

"Yes, and good luck with your...Ranma," said the lead knight.

"What a nice fellow," commented one of the other knights.

"Oh yes, quite nice indeed," agreed another one of them.

A dark shadow formed overhead, and the knights looked up, only to
see a huge bovine descending upon them.

"Jesus Christ!"

+++++++++++++

"So?" said Ranma lazily as he sat back at his desk with his arms
folded over his head. Classes were just about to start for the day,
and Ranma wanted to relax a bit before hand. The trio in his head had
worked out a system of sorts. They took shifts, with each subject,
deciding who would pay attention to what was a little difficult, but
it worked out nicely for them in the end. At the moment, their
relaxation was being tampered with, by one irate Akane Tendo.

"This is serious! Kuno's written a formal letter of challenge!"
snapped Akane as she handed him the note.

"What's so serious about it? I can take that loser," replied Ranma
calmly. "Look, it's only Kuno."

"Yes, the boy who was the best fighter at school other than me,
before you came along!" snapped Akane.

"Yeah, and you can't even hit me," replied Ranma calmly. "Besides,
it's -before- I came along. He couldn't find his ass with both hands
and a flashlight, much less a clue. That moron doesn't stand a chance
against me."

Akane attempted to punch him, but her hand was easily caught and
shoved aside. "Jerk!"

"Quit it! You're going to hurt somebody," replied the ponytailed
boy as he deflected a few more cheap shots.

Akane growled at him again, but calmed slightly. "I still say
you're taking this too lightly."

"Relax would ya?" snorted Ranma. "I got it covered."

+++++++++++++

Ranma Saotome stood glaring at the boy in front of her. They were
both in the center of a large athletic field. The sun was setting in
the distance.

"Where is Ranma Saotome?" said Kuno as he glanced around. "Bah!
The coward has not answered my challenge! I knew it would be so! No
doubt he fears my prowess with the sword!"

+++++++++

"Now what?" snorted Dan lazily. He seemed somewhat amused at the
situation.

"How was I supposed to know about the sprinkler system?" said
Carrot. "I'd almost think Kuno told us to meet us here at that time on
purpose. He's not smart enough for that though."

"How dare he say that about me!" snapped Ranma as he tried to rush
Kuno and pound him. He was held back by the others. "Lemmy go! Leemy
at 'em!"

"Look, he doesn't know that we're Ranma, got it? Leave this to
me," said Carrot with a wry looking grin

Ranma paused and frowned. "What are you planning?"

"Let's use the grenade!" said Dan excitedly.

"No! I think I can talk us out of this, without making us look
bad," said Ranma coolly. "Shut up and let me do all the talking."

+++++++

"Ranma Saotome isn't afraid of you," said the strange redheaded
girl who stood before Kuno. She paused and noted that a small crowd
from the school had shown up as well.

"Who might you be?" said Kuno as he raised his eyebrow slightly.

"Ranma Saotome," replied the girl smugly.

"It is not you that I seek," said the boy stoically.

"Yeah, I know," said the girl with a small shrug. She was grinning
at him and regarding him in almost the same manner of Nabiki. "Look,
Kuno-chan, we gotta talk."

"You will address me as Kuno-sempai!" snorted the boy irritably.

"Yeah, whatever. Ranma isn't going to fight you," said the girl as
she almost swaggered over to his side and put her hand on his
shoulder. "It's pretty simple really."

"What? So it is true! The coward!" snapped Kuno as he clenched his
fist in front of him.

"No, Ranma Saotome isn't a coward. He just doesn't like beating up
weaklings, see?" said the girl with her grin growing a little wider.

"Weaklings?" roared Kuno as he looked down at her.

"Yeah, he beat you so easily earlier today, that there's no point
in fighting you again! See, there's no way you could have improved
enough to fight him in just a couple of days. You'll have to train for
months." said the girl calmly. She was looking at the back of her hand
absently, while leaning off of his shoulder.

"Lies! The villain seeks to taint my honor with such vicious
lies!" snapped Kuno.

"Bullshit, I was there, he beat the crap out of you," said the
redhead calmly. "Nobody here believes you when you say that he didn't.
We all saw it with our own eyes."

"Then it was no doubt an illusion, cast by the foul sorcerer Ranma
Saotome," said Kuno with a slight frown.

"Well honey, I hate to say it, but even if he did, it was still
fair. Anything goes in a street fight, including magic," said the girl
as calmly as ever.

"Such base trickery," said Kuno in a rather ignorant display.
"Fear not young maiden, I shall lay low this villain on the morrow!"

"Look you ass," said Ranma as she pulled the boy into a headlock
and cut off his ranting. "Ranma Saotome is not going to fight you. Got
it? And you're not going to fight him? See?"

"I must..." said Kuno through a few gasps.

"No," said Ranma as she walked into a tree, with his head. "You're
too weak to fight Ranma again, he might hurt you."

"I am not weak!" insisted Kuno. "The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High
is the mightiest warrior that the world has seen for..."

The rant was cut off again as Ranma walked him into a statue this
time. "Nope, not buyin it," she insisted cheerfully.

"Unhand me woman!" snapped Kuno as she continued to lead him
around the schoolyard.

"Make me you weenie," said Ranma as she walked into the building
this time. The group of students were staring in shocked horror, or
laughing so hard they were rolling around on the ground as the tiny
redhead dragged the 'Blue Thunder' around like he was a doll.

"Wench! I shall not allow this humiliation to continue!" there was
more to that, but he was cut off by another tree.

"Well, I'm just showing you how weak you are. I'm just a cute
little girl, and I'm beating the crap out of you without even trying,"
said Ranma cheerfully. "Ranma Saotome, is much stronger than I am!"

"But, did you not say that you were, Ranma Saotome?" muttered Kuno
with a slight slur.

"Well, yeah. But that's beside the point. Now, are you going to
fight Ranma again?" The girl sat down, forcing him to the ground
behind him, and began to rub his head rather roughly in one spot.

"Never! I shall never submit!" cried Kuno as he struggled on the
ground.

"Are you sure?" said Ranma as she continued her assault.

"You're noogie attack shall never fell the Blue Thunder!" roared
Kuno. Lightening crashed in the distance somewhere.

Ranma paused and looked over her shoulder at the sound, but
shrugged after a moment and continued to rub his head. "If you don't
say something soon, you're hair is going to catch fire. Then you'll be
bald."

Kuno's eyes went wide at this announcement. "I cannot become bald!
I will never allow that!"

"Well, you'd better promise to leave Ranma alone then," said the
girl with a huge smile on her face as she looked him dead in the eyes.

Kuno froze, something in his eyes glazed over as he stared into
the deep pools of blue that seemed to cut into his soul. "I shall..."
he muttered dreamily, not even noticing the smoke that was beginning
to rise off the top of his head.

Ranma glared at him, and stopped her rubbing. "You shall what?"

"I shall...not challenge Ranma Saotome on the morrow..." he
muttered. "And..."

Ranma blinked at this. "And? And what?"

"I would date with you!" screamed Kuno as he jerked forward,
sweeping her into his arms. He promptly fell forward, landing with his
head in her lap.

"Ouch!" said Ranma cutely as she shoved him off and rubbed at her
backside. "I burnt my fingers, hurt my behind, and cracked a nail!"
she groused as she looked at her hand again for a moment, and then
kicked the fallen Kuno in irritation before standing up.

"Perhaps you should consider a diet, my young pigtailed goddess?"
said Kuno from his place on the ground.

"You ass! I don't have an ounce of fat on my body!" she screamed
as she turned and stomped on the back of his head repeatedly.

Nabiki Tendo, stood nearby with a camera in her hand. The gods had
truly been kind to her today indeed. A barely held back fit of
laughter surfaced slightly, appearing as girlish giggles as she filmed
the entire event, immortalizing it forever.

Ranma walked over to her, cheerfully as usual. "Hiya, Nabiki-
chan!"

The Tendo girl frowned slightly. Ranma seemed to be more...cute,
when in his female form. "What is it?"

"I was just wonderin, what Kuno might do to keep those photos from
being released?" she said cheerfully.

Nabiki raised her eyebrow, she had already thought of that of
course. Ranma coming up with that idea, surprised her more than a
little. The girl walked past her and jumped up into the branches of
one of the trees. She came back down with her hands behind her back
and grinned. "What did you just do?"

"Just got my camera!" said Ranma as she pulled a small video
recorder from behind her. "I'm betting whatever it is he'll do to keep
those pictures a secret, he'll even more to keep the video hidden!
After all, those pictures don't have all the embarrassing dialogue!
Tee hee!" The redhead skipped away, leaving Nabiki standing in shocked
silence.

The Tendo girl stood still as a wind blew by, carrying a few
leaves with it as it rushed across the field. "I don't believe
this..." she said finally.

+++++++++++++

"Ah, Setsuna! Back to see me already?" said Tofu as he looked up
at the woman in front of him from behind his desk.

"I need my prescription filled again," said the woman with a
completely drained look about her.

"My God! Setsuna! What happened to you?" said the doctor in shock.

"My work related headaches have gotten worse, plus I've found a
few disturbing things out about someone from my past. This is not my
day Tofu."

"I can see that, normally I wouldn't, but you're a special case I
suppose," said the man as he opened a cabinet behind him and rummaged
around for a moment. "You might want to consider going to a pharmacy
for something a bit stronger. That prescription I wrote you allows for
it."

"Thank you doctor," said the woman as she walked out the door.

+++++++++++

About halfway down the street she paused. A young redhead was
standing in front of her, staring with the biggest, cutest, most
saccharine filled eyes she'd ever seen. That was saying something,
considering how long she'd been around.

"Setsuna-samma!" said the girl cutely.

"Do I...know you?" stammered the woman as she backed away,
completely powerless under the force of her cuteness.

"I...I...I love you!" said the redhead. "I've been admiring you
from afar for so long!" Her face became completely red, and she pulled
her hands up to her face and shook her head from side to side almost
violently. "Oh no! I've said it!"

Setsuna's eye twitched, a slight blush crept onto her face as she
looked at the girl in horror. "What?"

The girl seemed to calm slightly, and started to play with the
ground with her toes. "I wanted to know if you'd go...on a date with
me...um, if it's not too much trouble..."

Setsuna calmed a little more. "Look..."

Ranma's eyes went wide again, paralyzing Setsuna with her cuteness
again. "It's because I'm a girl isn't it?"

"No, but..." stammered the woman as she attempted to find a way
out of the situation.

"Then why!?" said the girl as she moved right up to her face,
their lips almost touching. "Tell me!"

"I uhh...I...I've got a fiancee!" said Pluto desperately.

Ranma's eyebrow creased slightly. "I don't believe you."

"No really! His name is Ranma! I was just on my way to see him!"
said the woman as she backed away. "Gotta go! See ya!" She turned and
ran down the street desperately.

+++++++++++

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" Ranma was still
screaming.

"You can stop now, he's done," said Dan irritably.

"Well, phooey," said Carrot as he watched Setsuna vanish down the
street. "I was kinda hopin that would work."

"You mean... YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX AS A GIRL?" cried Ranma
desperately.

"Only with another girl, relax, Ranma," said Carrot as he waved
off the ranting.

"You think that makes it any better!?" snapped Ranma.

"Well, yeah. Kinda," said Carrot in reply.

"I agree with Carrot," said Dan.

"You guys are sick!" screamed Ranma.

"Calm down. So what if we are? At least we know how to have a good
time," said Carrot calmly. "That, and we now know that Setsuna is
really Ranma's fiancee. Thanks to my undercover work."

"Under the covers work is more like it," snorted Dan.

"Great," muttered the pigtailed boy dejectedly. "What is that now?
Three?"

"Well, four if you count that carryout girl. She might not show up
though, we aren't sure," said Dan.

"Look, we've got this all worked out now. I say we stick with
Setsuna! She's the hottest one of all!" said Carrot cheerfully.

"She's too old!" snapped Ranma irritably.

"She's the Senshi of time, she's whatever age she wants to be,"
said Carrot in retort. "She'll always be that old."

"Well, I don't care who we marry. I just want to use my grenade
soon," said Dan.

"What's wrong with Ak...um...some other girl?" said Ranma.

"On second thought, I agree with Carrot," said Dan. "We aren't
marrying any violent tomboys."

"Well, that rules out most of Ranma's other fiancee's. I'm not
becoming an Amazon male either, so that leaves us with Setsuna!" said
Carrot happily. "Now, how to ask her out...without dying?"

+++++++++++

"Um, excuse me," said the young blonde woman as she looked down at
the man in front of her. She had come to stop an attempted mugging,
but found herself witnessing a rather impressive display of skill
instead. "Um..Hi! I'm Sailor V...do you need any help?"

There were several men sprawled out across the ground unconscious,
with him standing in the middle with an umbrella over his shoulder. On
his head was a bolo hat, and he was dressed in a dark colored suit,
with a long trench coat. The only unusual thing, was the yellow and
black handkerchief that poked out of his jacket pocket. "Ah! Good day
young lady! Oh my!" He paused and looked at her.

Venus smiled, no doubt she was smitten by her beauty. Plus, he
didn't look that much older! Maybe she could...

"You really should dress warmer than that! You'll catch a dreadful
cold!" exclaimed the boy. "By the look of you, I'd say you attend a
private school near here. Tell me, could you point me in the direction
of Furinkan High? I'm looking for a fellow named Ranma Saotome. I've
gotten quite lost you see."

Venus jumped down, blinking in surprise. "Well, I haven't been
around here long...wait a minute! You think this is a school uniform?"

"Isn't it? I'll admit it is rather short..." said Ryoga as he
looked her over for a moment.

"I'm the champion of justice! Sailor V!" snapped the girl
irritably.

"Oh, quite nice, quite nice indeed," said Ryoga as he unfolded his
map again.

Venus rolled her eyes and looked at the map. "Um, this is a road
map of Idaho."

"Really?" said Ryoga in surprise. "That would explain why I passed
Boise a few hours ago! I had no idea Idaho was so close to Japan!"

Venus glanced up at him. His face was completely serious. "Right.
Look, I'll be going now. Sorry I couldn't help you."

"Quite all right! Quite all right indeed!" said Ryoga with a good-
natured chuckle as he waved her off. After she was gone, he paused and
pulled the handkerchief from his pocket, dabbing it gently along the
bottom of his nose. "Such an outfit! She'll catch cold if she isn't
more careful," he muttered as he wandered away, and tilted his head
back while pressing the cloth against his nostrils.

+++++++++++++

"Hey, where are we?" said Carrot as he looked around. He paused as
he found he could see himself, if only a little transparent. He was
dressed much the same as the man across from him. "Who?"

"Carrot?" said the man with a surprised look on his face.

"Dan?" said Carrot as he recognized his voice.

"Where's Ranma? What's going on?" said Dan.

"Ranma's behind you," said Carrot as he nodded over to the
ponytailed boy.

Ranma was standing, and simply staring off into space. "So, you
two are the voices inside my head?"

"Um, yeah. What's going on?" said Carrot. He noticed that only
himself and Dan were transparent.

"Die!" screamed Ranma as he attacked them. The ponytailed boy
blinked as he passed through them and landed on his face.

"I've been wanting to do this for a long time!" snarled Dan as he
sprung at Carrot, only to have his fist pass through him as well.

"I think I get it, we're dreaming," said Carrot with a chuckle as
he watched the two idiots continue to try and fight each other, and
him.

The pair paused and glanced around. "What makes you think that?"
said Dan in a deadpan voice.

"I dunno, only the fact that we're looking at the Silver Millenium
right now."

The trio turned and looked around, only to find themselves
surrounded by a palace of some kind. Carrot smirked and crossed his
arms over his chest. "Pay attention Ranma, you're about to remember
some of your past life."

"Huh?" stammered the ponytailed boy in shock.

A figure walked down the hallway with a huge frown on his face. He
had long red hair and an extremely muscular body, his chest bare, save
a single red sash that was draped over one of his shoulders. A
broadsword hung from his hip as well, and he was trailed by a long
flowing dark green cape. His features revealed a familiar face to all
present.

"Hey!" exclaimed Ranma in shock. "Why the heck am I wearin a
skirt?"

"I've come ta see the Queen, as requested by her majesty," said
the past Ranma with a thick accent. "Tell her the Wild Pony of the
Highlands has come, ta meet his future bride. Tell her Genaku McTome
is here."

Dan and Carrot were rolling on the ground with laughter.

"Y-yessir!" said the guard who was standing by the door with a
terror stricken face. He stumbled across his own feet as he rushed in
to inform the queen.

++++++++++

TBC...

Now, there's no way in hell you were expecting that!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Next time: Dream a little dream!