Insertion

Part 1: How The Whole Mess Started...

by Sean D'Anna

=====

Forward.

This idea came to me after reading, Messed Up, Nuke Em Till They
Glow, and thinking about another fanfic idea I had a while back. I
always wanted to write something that was completely off the wall
insane. I still think Nuke Em Till They Glow, is probably the funniest
piece of fanfiction I've ever read in my life, but that's just me.
Anyway, you'll catch on to this one pretty quickly, and it's probably
the most original Self Insertion Parody you'll see for a long time to
come.

+++++++++++

A familiar scene, Jusenkyo, in the Bayankala mountain range of
China. Ranma Saotome trading blows with his father over the quiet
pools of water, atop bamboo chutes that jut from the small ponds.

Two fanfic writers, typing the exact same opening, to two
different stories. They moved in tandem, their hands working on the
keys in perfect unison, even though neither of them knows who the
other is. Things like this happen on occasion, it is rare indeed. The
chances are similar to those of a monkey writing out the complete
works of Shakespeare.

Few people realize it, but almost all works of fiction are self-
insertions on some level. Whether it is a wish for a better world, or
a craving for a life of adventure that the author will never have, is
uncertain. It is possible that it is just the venting of frustrations,
played out upon someone who cannot retaliate in any way, no one person
has the same motivation.

On some level, a small portion of the author's soul is taken and
placed into the story, perhaps becoming a reality in some distant
universe. The mechanics of such things is uncertain, however, this
time, something different happened.

Whether the Kami of said universe had an unusual sense of humor, or
was unaware that these two tales were completely different is, and
shall always be, a mystery. The Kami have a way of blowing off
mistakes of that kind as some sort of grand scheme.

In any case, all that mattered was the fact that it happened. As
Ranma fell into the pool that would change his destiny forever, two
souls attempted to merge with his own, in order to exact the changes
that would carry their tales.

Inside Ranma's head, a sound echoed for a moment. It was almost
like the sound of two coconuts colliding together on some astral
level. How the astral coconuts had arrived at their destination is
uncertain as well. Whether they were carried by two astral swallows
could remain in debate for eons to come, as well as whether said
swallows were of the African variety, or the European kind. Such
things are best left to philosophers anyway.

As Ranma broke the surface of the water, gasping for air, said two
coconuts were rubbing their foreheads and cursing under their breath.
It was quite a confusing scene for all involved.

The young Saotome was unaware of these proceedings thus far, and
promptly screamed as she glanced down at the new additions to her
chest. Thus, the chase began. Seeking vengeance for the blunder, Ranma
began to tear across the Chinese wilderness after his, now her,
father.

As she left the land surrounding the springs, chasing her father
up the side of a mountain path, a voice suddenly cried out from within
her.

"HOLD IT!"

Ranma felt her body stop cold, and blinked in shocked surprise.
"Who?"

"What the hell is going on here!?" cried a different voice from
within his head.

"I'm going to kill my pop! That's what!" answered Ranma out loud,
not yet realizing that there was a voice speaking to her from inside
her head.

"Who the heck are you?" said another voice from her head.

"Ranma Saotome," replied the redhead dumbly as she started to
glance around in search of the pair. "Where the heck are you? Come out
so I can see you!" she demanded.

"I know who you are!" snapped the second voice at her. "I was
talking to the other guy inside our head."

Ranma blinked, not quite certain what to say or do.

"Who the heck are you?" said the first voice indignantly.

"I asked first!" snapped the second voice angrily.

"I've gone nuts! Snapped!" muttered Ranma as she fell to her knees
clutching her head. Her eyes wide with terror as she rocked back and
fourth. Finally she stood up and turned towards where her father had
run off too. "Pop! This is all your fault! I'm gonna kill you!"

"Stop!" cried one of the voices, and her body suddenly became
still.

"Yeah! We aren't going anywhere until we get this mess figured
out!" said the other voice in agreement.

"Fine, I'll start then. My name is Dan Hibiki," said the first
voice.

"It is?" said the second voice. He started to laugh out loud,
almost causing Ranma to fall over. She had no idea what it was she
found so funny.

"Shut up! It's not my fault!" snapped Dan angrily.

"I guess not, man, your parents are cruel. Naming you after the
worst street fighter ever," said the second voice as it slowly calmed
to the occasional chuckle.

"I was born before that!" retorted the angry Dan bitterly.

"Whatever, people call me Carrot," said the second voice with a
shrug.

Ranma felt her shoulders move and blinked in surprise. "Um, could
you stop that?"

"Not sure how," said Carrot with another shrug. "I think we're
stuck like this for a while."

"We?" muttered Ranma in shock.

"Yup, there's three of us in here now," said Carrot after a
moment's thought. "At least I think there's three of us, if there is
someone else, they ain't said nuthin."

"Was this because of that spring?" muttered Ranma as her eyes went
wide with shock again.

"Could be," ventured Carrot lazily. "Come on, we'd best get back.
I think the guide might have some hot water back at his hut."

"What good will that do us?" snapped Ranma angrily.

"It's the cure for the curse," said Dan with a slight annoyance in
his voice. "We'll turn back into a guy again, and then make panda
steaks."

"Right," agreed Carrot cheerfully.

"You seem to be taking this well," commented Dan with a small
frown.

Ranma's entire body was shaking, a cold fear gripped her heart as
she stood up and started to slowly walk away. Hoping the voices would
remain in the clearing, and this would all just be some sort of bad
joke.

Unfortunately, that's not the way things worked. The pair
continued to talk as she walked.

"It's this way," said Carrot as he forced Ranma to turn her body
and moved in a different direction.

"No! This way!" the redhead's body twisted towards another path.

"No! We passed those trees over there, remember?" said Carrot as
he pointed towards a small grove.

"Damn it! I know where I'm going!" muttered Dan angrily.

"Come on! Try to get along will ya? We don't know how long we're
stuck like this!" pleaded Carrot. "We've got to try and be good
roomies. Okay?"

"Roomies?" muttered Ranma in horror.

"Fine! We'll go your way! Don't come crying to me when we end up
in India!" snapped Dan.

"Great!" said Carrot cheerfully. "So, how ya doin, Ranma?"

That did it. "How am I doing? I'm a friggin girl! I'm hearing two
different voices inside my head, and I ain't walkin nowhere, but
somehow I am! How the hell do you think I'm doin!?"

"Jeez, calm down. There's no need to blow a gasket," said Carrot
lazily.

"Calm down?! CALM DOWN?!! Are you nuts?" snapped Ranma.

"Well, I guess I am a little, but that's beside the point," said
Carrot with another small shrug. "Look, getting upset won't help
anything, let's just go back to the Guide's house, and get some hot
water. We'll be a man again at least."

"Right," agreed Dan.

"You mean...I don't have to stay a girl?" muttered Ranma in
surprise, a great relief flooded her body suddenly.

"Ooh, that tingled," commented Carrot.

"Shut up!" snapped Dan.

"Who the heck are you?" said Ranma as she walked along, a little
bit calmer than before.

"We already told you," said Carrot.

"I know that! How the heck did you get inside my head?" snapped
Ranma angrily.

"I dunno," said Carrot.

"Beats the hell outta me," agreed Dan.

Ranma found herself trying to shrug her arms, and cross them at
the same time.

"I'm just glad this girl thing is only temporary," muttered Ranma.
If she was lucky, the voices would leave with the girl body.

"Actually, it's kinda permanent," muttered Carrot with a small
chuckle.

"What?" said Ranma as she suddenly stopped in the middle of the
path.

"Hot water changes us into a guy, cold water turns us into a girl.
It's pretty simple really," said Carrot cheerfully. "Come on, how bad
could it be?"

"I'm a guy!" snapped Ranma, desperately wishing she could beat the
crap out of this guy.

"Will both of you just shut the hell up?" snapped Dan.

"Calm down will ya? All this arguing isn't going to get us
anywhere," replied Carrot. "Look, being a girl has advantages. We can
look at all the naked girls we want, without being called perverts. We
can get free food, cause we're cute. We can do all sorts of things
guys don't get to do, because it isn't macho. Like eat those girly
ice-cream things, and play with dolls."

"You play with dolls?" muttered Ranma in disgusted shock.

"Huh? No! Of course not! But we could if we wanted too, and it
wouldn't look weird. It was just an example."

"Yeah right," grumbled Dan with a smirk on his face.

"Let's not get snippy. I'm assuming that we both already know all
about Ranma, but what about the two of us?" said Carrot cheerfully.

"What do you mean you know about me?" snapped the pigtailed girl
angrily.

"You're the star of a manga back where we came from, that is, if
Dan is from the same place I am," said Carrot lazily.

"Right," confirmed Dan with another frown.

"Man, what a grouch," muttered Carrot to himself, although, all of
them heard him.

"You shut up you!" cried Dan as he punched himself in the face.

"Hey! Cut that out!" cried Ranma as she rubbed her nose.

"Ouch! You jerk!" snapped Carrot as he retaliated by twisting his
own breast.

"So! You want to play rough do you?" retorted Dan angrily as he
punched himself in the gut.

Genma Saotome, having realized that he wasn't being chased
anymore, walked in on an unusual scene. His son, now turned daughter,
was beating the living daylights out of herself, and cursing at
herself as well. He paused and watched the scene for a moment, before
turning away and holding a sign with the words, "I don't want to
know," printed on it. He shuffled away through the brush quietly.

++++++++++

Half an hour later, Ranma was laid out on the ground, covered in
bruises. "Are you two jerks done yet?" she muttered angrily. One of
her hands was still weakly slapping her across her face, while the
other had a weak grip on her neck, and was trying it's best to
strangle her.

"Die!" cried Dan bitterly.

"Feel my fists of death!" muttered Carrot.

"That's enough!" snapped Ranma as she jumped to her feet. She
paused and realized that she didn't feel tired at all. Her arms were
moving like she was completely drained though, as they attempted to
continue the battle. She was feeling quite sore despite the energy she
still had.

"I'm done now," muttered Dan.

"That's enough," agreed Carrot.

"So, which one of you knows martial arts?" said Ranma calmly.

"Huh? I've got my second dan in kenpo," said Carrot cheerfully.

"I don't know any," said Dan.

"Yeah, but you're a fighter," commented Ranma as she started
walking again.

"I guess," grumbled Dan. "I prefer to have a good weapon in my
hand to be honest."

"Like a sword?" asked Ranma. He seemed like the type who might
know Kendo or something.

"No, like a 357 magnum," said Dan with a snort. "I was a cop, a
part of the SWAT team in Denver."

"Where's Denver?" muttered Ranma in confusion.

"America, I'm from Jacksonville myself, in Florida," commented
Carrot lazily.

"Let me get this straight. I've got two gaijin Assholes inside my
head?" snapped Ranma in disgust.

"Yup, that's about the size of it," commented Carrot lazily. "Hey,
I wanna blow something up."

"Shut up!" snapped Dan.

"Sorry, I've always wanted to say that," replied Carrot with a
grin.

"We're here," commented Ranma as she noticed the Guide's hut up
ahead.

"We'll end up in India, huh?" deadpanned Carrot with a smug
looking grin.

"I'd kill you, but I'm too tired," snapped Dan.

"Come on, let's go all right?" muttered Ranma.

+++++++++++

"Ranma! Just you wait! I'll make you pay for running out on our
duel!" cried Ryoga Hibiki as he staggered through the forest. He had
made it safely past the cliff that overlooked Jusenkyo, and was now
moving towards Europe.

+++++++++++

"Well?" said Ranma as he looked at his father in disgust.

"Boy, I don't know what you're talking about," said Genma from the
ground. He looked like he had been beaten quite nicely.

"You stupid jerk! I turn into a girl, and I've got two voices
talking to me inside my head! This is all your fault old man!"

"Sirs! I never hear of this happening before!" cried the Guide in
concern.

"How often do people get cursed here?" snapped Ranma in a
completely different tone as he turned to look at the man for a
moment.

The guide stepped back and thought about it. "It not happen in
many years. Maybe that why I not hear about it before?" he muttered
sheepishly.

"Well, that's something I guess. Where is the spring of drowned
man?" said Ranma again, with his tone changing again.

The guide blinked and looked at him in shock. "Sirs, no one ever
ask that before after being cursed. You is first."

"Hey. Why didn't I think of that?" muttered Ranma with a blank
look on his face.

"I so sorry to say, no can cure curse yet. Magic still very
unstable, is dangerous. Must wait for many months before curse can be
cured."

"Damn," muttered Ranma as his tone changed again.

He suddenly became cheerful again, "Oh well!" He put his hands on
top of his head, and strolled away lazily.

+++++++++++

"Tendo, bringing Ranma from China. Saotome."

Soun Tendo sat at the table, with his daughters looking at him as
if he had three heads.

A sound came from the front door, it was opened, and someone
entered the home.

"Ooh! That must be Ranma!" cried Nabiki as she jumped to her feet.

"Saotome! My friend! I've been waiting!" cried Soun as he followed
her into the hall. Akane and Kasumi were directly behind him. The two
girls found themselves almost run over as Soun and Nabiki came running
back into the room.

A giant Panda walked in, with a young girl directly in front of
it.

"You wouldn't be?" ventured Soun.

The girl smiled at him cutely, pulling her hands up to her face
and shaking her head from side to side. "Hi! I'm Ranma Saotome! Tee
hee!"

Every Tendo in the room fell over.

Nabiki was the first to recover, she glared at her father for a
moment. "Ranma is a girl."

"I can see that!" snapped Soun.

"A rather cute girl," continued Nabiki as she poked at the girl's
breast.

"Ooh! Don't stop!" cried the redhead as she pulled the girl's hand
by her wrist and forced her to grab the breast she had been poking.

Nabiki pulled her hand away in disgust and glared at the girl. She
paused though, there was something in her eyes that bothered her
slightly. They almost shined with a dangerous intelligence, and seemed
to be flashing with anger. "There's more to her than this airhead,"
she thought to herself for a moment.

Soun looked at the homoerotic display for a moment, and passed out
on the ground.

++++++++++

Ranma was sitting at the table with the Tendos, seeming to beam
with pride as the panda glared at her angrily. None of the Tendos
noticed this, as they were focused on Soun's prone form on the ground
just beside the table. He had a cold cloth sitting across his
forehead, and tears in his eyes.

"This is all your fault daddy!" said Nabiki.

"Well I assumed that my friend Saotome's son was a boy!" snapped
the man in retort.

"Hey! Aren't you going to cop another feel?" said Ranma as she
turned her head towards Nabiki and grabbed the girl's hand, pulling it
to her chest again.

"Stop that!" cried Nabiki as she pulled her hand away and blushed.

The girl's expression became serious all of a sudden. "Fine."

"Who the heck are you?" said Akane as she eyed the girl nervously.

"I thought we covered this," said the redhead as she flicked her
ponytail over her shoulder and smiled. "I'm Ranma Saotome. You want to
be friends? Don't worry, I'm just pulling your sister's chain for
poking my chest earlier. I'm not really gay, well, not in a literal
sense anyway."

Akane wasn't certain what to make of that comment, finally, she
smiled at the girl weakly. "Um, sure..."

+++++++++++

A few moments later, the pair were out in the dojo.

"So, I hear you practice kenpo?"

"Yup," said Ranma lazily.

Akane was unnerved a bit by how quickly the girl's expressions
changed. She seemed to almost be feeling three things at one time. She
pushed the thought aside and smiled warmly. "Well, let's have a match
then!"

The redhead's smile widened slightly. "All right. I like to punch
stuff."

"Huh?" muttered Akane in shock.

"Well, I like other things too, like kicking things, and
explosions..."

"Um, right," said Akane as she took up a ready stance.

+++++++++

"You're up Ranma," said Carrot cheerfully inside the redhead's
brain.

"Try not to insult her," agreed Dan with a small scowl.

"Shut up! Are you sure we can get out of this engagement thing?"
said Ranma nervously.

"Nope," said Dan flatly.

"Not a clue," chimed Carrot cheerfully.

"Well, I still think we should have stayed in China. That Shampoo
was a babe!" said Dan.

"Are you nuts? She was tryin to kill us!" replied Ranma.

"Only at first," commented Dan. "Besides, I've got other plans."

"Hey, lets beat the crap out of her!" said Carrot merrily.

"What? No way!" cried Ranma.

"I say we crush her like a bug," agreed Dan.

++++++++

Outside the brain, the fight had already started.

"What's wrong? Attack me!" cried Akane as she spun into a kick.

"Huh?" muttered Ranma as her expression changed suddenly. "If you
say so..."

Akane was flat on her back a half second later. The redhead had
her arm extended still and was looking down at her absently. "Ouch.
What the hell just happened?" Akane was feeling sore spots in at least
six different places.

"Are you all right? I didn't hit you too hard did I?" said the
redhead as she knelt down beside her.

"No, you're pretty good," commented Akane as she sat up and shook
her head. She couldn't even remember what had happened to her.

"Pretty good?" said Ranma with an amused look in her eyes.

"Okay, you're really good," amended Akane with a smile forming on
her lips. "I'm just glad you're not a boy."

"Who the hell said I wasn't?" said Ranma with a cheerful smile.

"Ha ha," said Akane as she stood up finally and dusted off her
dogi.

"Hmm, well, I'm definitely more of a tomboy than you are," said
Ranma with a small wink. "I'm more of a man than you realize."

Akane blinked at the statement, and was about to say something.
That was when Kasumi decided to make her entrance though.

++++++++++++

A short time later, Kasumi had shown Ranma to her room, and then
the bathroom. The ponytailed girl sat down on the stool and scrubbed
herself off for a moment idly.

"So? Now what?" said Dan gruffly.

"Well, we should go out as a man I guess..." muttered Carrot
almost bitterly.

"I guess so, Pop is gonna tell them about it sooner or later,"
agreed Ranma. "I really wish you'd stop doing that when we're a girl
Carrot. You know it bugs the hell out of me!"

"Well, I think it's fun. You've got to loosen up some man, you're
too uptight. Nothing compared to Captain Destructo here, but still..."

"Those sound like fighting words to me!" snarled Dan.

Ranma looked at her arm in terror as a fist began to form.

"Now, now, we both know Akane Tendo is going to walk through that
door in the nude any moment now. So let's not get into a fight with
ourselves again. It's obvious that she already thinks we're a little
crazy."

"Is she wrong?" deadpanned Ranma.

"Probably not," agreed Carrot as he dumped the cold water over her
head.

"I say we blow out of here. I've got no interest in this stupid
engagement," snorted Dan.

"We'll miss all the fun if we do," commented Carrot lazily as
Ranma shook the water out of her hair and shivered for a moment.

"Well, I still say we should have stayed in China!" insisted Dan.

"You're just mad you had to leave all that stuff behind,"
commented Carrot lazily.

"Stupid Japanese gun laws!" grumbled Dan bitterly.

"Hey! We wouldn't have left in such a hurry if not for you!"
snapped Ranma angrily.

"They were trying to kill us first!" snapped Dan.

"Whatever," said Ranma as he stood up and started to reach for a
towel.

At that moment, the door slid open, revealing a nude Akane. "Hi!"

"Man, you were right about that peeping stuff," thought Ranma as
he desperately attempted to keep his eyes inside their sockets as he
stared for a moment. Luckily, Akane didn't seem to notice as she sat
down and started to scrub herself off.

"Hey, not bad," commented Carrot.

"I've seen better," grumbled Dan.

"Are you done already?" said Akane with a slightly surprised look
as Ranma started towards the door.

"Um, yeah," muttered the redhead as she walked past the girl, and
pulled her towel up around her body.

"Let's see what'll happen next," said Dan.

"She'll find out, call us a pervert, and then try to brain us with
a table or something," said Carrot cheerfully.

"She seems nice to me," said Ranma obliviously.

"I got a hundred yen that says you're wrong," commented Carrot.

"You're on!" snorted Ranma.

"Will you two cut that out? How can you make a bet, the yen
belongs to all of us remember?" snapped Dan.

"Oh yeah," muttered Ranma.

"Spoilsport," said Carrot.

"Ranma! Why are you still a girl?" cried Genma as he rushed up to
his son.

"Huh? Are you kidding, Pop?" said the redhead irritably.

"What do you mean?" snapped Genma.

"Akane's in there. You don't want me to scare her half to death do
you?" said the girl as she wandered over to the table and sat down.

"Man, I wish I'd thought of that sooner! I'll bet her expression
would have been great!" thought Carrot bitterly.

++++++++++++

Meanwhile...

Sailor Pluto frowned, something was wrong. A force of chaos like
no other had appeared suddenly. She had been unable to pinpoint it,
and it frustrated her to no end. The senshi weren't scheduled to
awaken for some time yet in this universe, not that she realized that
it was different from the others. Beryl shouldn't awaken for many
years either, but this seemed even worse than her.

Whatever it was, it was crazy, violent, and chaotic. It had to be
evil, there was nothing good that combined all three of those
qualities. She scowled and glared into the Time Gate, searching for
the source of the disturbance. "Where are you?"

She whirled around, turning away from the Time Gate, her scowl
growing with each step she took. A small capsule on the planet earth,
waited patiently for it's awakening. "It looks like I'll have to put
my plans into motion sooner than expected." She sighed, the unexpected
should never happen to her, it just wasn't right. Plus, she was
starting to get a headache, there is nothing Sailor Pluto hates more
than a headache.

Soon, Minako would be receiving a visitor, and the events would be
set into motion.

She finally did what was needed, and sat down on a nearby table,
pulling a bottle of pills from a desk. She shook it and frowned as she
dumped the last two pills in her palm. "Damn, gotta get this
prescription refilled again."

++++++++++++++

TBC...

This will grow more twisted as time goes on, the SM tie in was a
last minute addition. Mostly because I realized I've never written one
of those kinds of fics before. This change was also inspired by my
rereading NETTG recently.

Updates on this one will be as with The Joy of Fatherhood.
Approximately whenever I feel like it, or about once a month.

As per usual on a project like this, continuation depends on
feedback.